my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
