God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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