my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
