Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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