They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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