Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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