for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
