You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
