Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
