So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
