Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize