This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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