The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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