i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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