I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
