How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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