yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
