I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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