he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
