why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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