i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
