What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
