People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize