I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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