i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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