Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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