the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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