I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
