Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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