peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
