My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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