it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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