What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
