we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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