Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
