How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
