Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
