I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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