My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
