glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
