Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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