Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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