Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Let's get the cat blown out
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
