he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
