If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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