After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
