Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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