I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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