cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
