Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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