What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
