I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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