if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
