I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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