dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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