There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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