I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
