Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
