how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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