i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
