Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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