I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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