There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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