just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
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