i wish my penis had a tongue
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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