I wish my penis had an off switch
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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