respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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